kryptonian moose with a hernia (thecivilunrest) wrote,
kryptonian moose with a hernia

NaNo Journal #1

So I know that I could make this post on tumblr and have people actually read it--and maybe, at the end of NaNo I will, but for now I just want to write out my feelings thus far. I'm actually writing this while procrastinating on writing my wordcount for today. This is a neverending circle of regret, let me tell you.

I am aware that this is jumping the gun a little bit, but I really think that I'm going to hit the 50k wordcount this year. For one thing, I've been writing on average about 2k a day, even when I have had to write an essay as well. (Earlier today I actually wrote a paper for one of my classes. This is what I'm going to blame my reluctance to write the wordcount tonight.) I honestly didn't mean for that to happen. I told myself that 1.7k was more than enough, but I've been consistenatly going over, probably just because I want to finish a scene and they all end up being around that long.

The first day was really, really hard. I did a lot of rewriting before I finally just decided, fuck it, I'm going to just put words on this page. And I did. Around 1.8k of them. After that, writing really was a lot easier. The first whole week after the first day was really enjoyable. I already knew that I loved to write, but I found out then that I reallty love to write. It's something that makes me happy. Before this month I had only been writing in spurts when I felt like I had time, and I've found that's not really what I need to do.

I like structure. I like having small goals, and I like feeling like I acomplished something. After NaNo I am probably going to try to write 1k every day (this 2k business has really been killing me--I feel like 1k is a much more reasonable goal.) because that will make me happy. More than that it will help me feel like a "real" writer.

Before this NaNo started I deluded myself into thinking that I could finish this novel that I'm working on--currently called "Repeat Performance" and it's about rival dancers who are in love, and have been since they were kids. It's got so many of my favorite tropes that I can't even begin to tell you, and I honestly love my characters. They're my babies--and then possibly publish it.

I am 14k into this novel, and I can tell you now that I will not be sending it out to a publisher. I don't know what happened, but I've slowly grown to hate this novel and the way that I write it. I don't know what it is about it, but something is not translating right from my brain to the page. I had all these ideas, and while I have managed to implement some of them, others have managed elude me. And, honestly, I am more than fine with this. I actually have an idea for another original story that I am going to try to write after this month, and I think I will be more successful with that one. Or at least, I won't hate my writing so much.

Right now, "Repeat Performance" and I are on a bit of a break. For one thing, I've always known that working on long projects without breaks kills and bores me, no matter how much I love the idea and have several of them written out already. For another, I really don't need to get into the habit of self loathing when it comes to my writing. I need to be positive--and I've realized that being creatively fulfilled through writing is something that does honestly make me feel better. I've been having a tough semester, and this month has probably been the best so far. I do attribute some of that to writing.

I'm currently writing fanfiction. A gift, for Rian. It's already at 7k, and I probably have another 7k to go, at least. I feel a lot better about my writing while writing this fic. I don't know what that says about me--I don't know if it's because I tried to write "Repeat Performance" in first person and that's where a lot of my hatred stems from, or because I am doomed to be able to only write fanfiction for the rest of my life. I really don't know, but I've found that either way I don't really mind. (That being said though, I would, one day, like to be able to live off my writing. Or at least, become a published author. For many reasons, but the main one would definitely be because I am writing queer girl love stories, and I want to be able to share those with people, because we could always use more of those.)

Anyway, I have spent about twenty minutes writing this. I think that is enough time wasted. I don't think that anyone is going to read this, but I really do feel better sharing this.

Current NaNoWriMo Word Count: 20,138
Tags: this is relevant to my interests

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